I have a hard time with balance, not as in I fall down the stairs (though my wii fit thought I might, and said so frequently), but just within myself. I'm very critical of myself (aren't we all?) and I tend to think in terms of one thing versus another, right or wrong, healthy or unhealthy, runner or walker- there is no blurring of lines in my mind. Either it is, or I am, or it isn't, and I'm not. I'm realizing this makes my internal dialogue very bipolar and manic. One minute everything is great and I'm just dandy and the next minute everything I thought a minute ago is held in question.
For example, I am trying my best to eat nutritious, wholesome foods. I try to share those things with you. In those moments I feel successful and healthy. I'm pleased as punch with myself and I feel motivated to continue moving forward with all my healthy endeavors. If I find myself aimlessly munching on something with unidentifiable ingredients or, as happened this past week, an ooey gooey delicious fried food dipped in some amazing sauce, well then I just feel crummy and I become immediately 'unhealthy' and unkind to myself.
This is no big, unusual thing. I hear there are a lot of people who are, like me, harder on themselves than they would be to even their nemesis (though my particular nemesis would be a photocopy machine and I do think terrible, terrible things about it. I'm not sure what I think matters to that particularly menacing and minute munching machine. Though, if it could scream, I'm sure I'd take all those hateful ideas about stripping it for parts back.).
My number one new years resolution (it takes me a while to decide these things) is to be as kind to myself as I would be to others. I'm hoping to start that off by working on my sense of balance, taking the good with the bad and living with it all. Admitting that there is no grey area in my mind, and also admitting that in life things are often blurry and yet oddly balanced. Balance. A little bit of that grey area. It's what I think I need. A bit of everything and some well rounded expectations of myself.
|Three ways: rolled in sugar (little guys), rolled in chocolate chip type things (big ones) and just a plain cookie.|
These chocolate cookies represent a sort of off kilter yet lovely balance to me. Isn't that poetic and fortunate? They are devilshly delicious; deep and dark and chocolatey in the most amazing way. Yet, they are made with a whole grain- spelt flour- and are almost utterly unprocessed. Does that make them healthy? Oh goodness no. But I feel a sense of both whole grain goodness and amazing worthwhile tastes in these beauts.
The reaction to these cookies blew me away, I'm keeping them on my rotation and definitely bringing them around whenever I think a dark, intense chocolatey cookie would balance a situation out.
|rolled in little chocolate chips, these were good, but sugar was better!|
Chocolate Chocolate Cookies
adapted from Good to the Grain
8 ounces (2 sticks) of unsalted butter
16 ounces of dark chocolate or bittersweet chocolate (70% cacao), split into two groups (one for melting and one for chunks in the dough)
2 1/4 cups granulated or raw sugar (plus extra for finishing)
2 cups spelt flour
1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon baking powder
2 teaspoons kosher salt
To begin, melt the butter and half of the chocolate (8 ounces) in a double boiler or a microwave until they are melted together and mixed well.
Next, add the eggs and the sugar to a large bowl, or the bowl of a mixer if you are so fortunate, and mix well (high speed) for 3 minutes until it gets thick. Mix the warm chocolate in and use a spatula to get all the chocolate and egg/sugar off the sides of the bowl.
Sift the dry ingredients into a bowl, pouring any leftover grains and bits back into the mix. Mix the dry ingredients with the chocolate mixture and stir well. Add the remaining chopped chocolate and continue mixing until everything is mixed well.
Refrigerate the dough for 2 hours and up to 3 days. When you are ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees and place parchment paper on your cookie sheets. Begin rolling the dough into large tablespoon sized balls, rolling them lightly in sugar before placing them on the cookie sheets. You can also roll them in cacao nibs, or leave them plain. I preferred the sugar.) Leave 2-3 inches between the cookies, as they will collide if you do not.
Bake the cookies for 15-19 minutes, until the edges are firm but the middle still soft. Cool on the parchment or a cooking rack.